Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
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He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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