I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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