yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
