mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
