Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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