This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
