call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
