I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
