tonight lets celebrate not being married
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
