i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
