Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....