i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
