I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who died my cat blue again?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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