Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
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P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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