I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
