mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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