Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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