It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
