checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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