Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
