i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
