Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
