allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
