you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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