We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
