I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
