I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
