We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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