The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
