I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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