i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
