I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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