How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
