You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I stole a fireplace last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
