So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
