You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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