I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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