i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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