she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
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Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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