i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
