she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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