So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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