I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She's like a pop up book from hell.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
