I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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