Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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