There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
