I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
