your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
