my vag is so smooth its legendary
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
