I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
