Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
