I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
