Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
