My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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