I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
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Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize