Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
