Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
