i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
