suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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